She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
