I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
