He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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