I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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