just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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