He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
