I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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