mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
