I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
