literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
