I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
