Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I've blown a few things in my day
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Randomize