So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
