Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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