you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
