i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
there is glitter all over my balls
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
