using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
