I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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