Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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