6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You're like the curious george of whores
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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