Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
