it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
