Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Randomize
