Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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