i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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