if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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