Don't make out with my wife yet
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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