my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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