Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
