Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
