I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
