Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
