if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
