I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I believe in your delicious
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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