just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
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