A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
