Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize