So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
