I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
