i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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