I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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