i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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