I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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