I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
