If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
