i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
