I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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