just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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