He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
