somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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