the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
