What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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