you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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