I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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