I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
