I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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