I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
