Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize