There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
