They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
