She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
