dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
