oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
